lea
Full Member
Learning to Stand
Posts: 122
|
Post by lea on Apr 18, 2006 16:46:31 GMT -5
For the amusement of TJ, who knew all my favourite jokes already... ;D I'll go first. ;D There’s a guy walking down the street in a big city, making really loud groaning sounds…someone asks him if he’s ok, and he says ‘I’m fine, I just need to pee really badly!’ He makes his way through the town centre, looking for a public toilet, and finally finds one. He goes to the urinal, unzips, and with a happy sigh starts to pee. Suddenly, pee comes flying out in every direction – he even sprays the guy standing next to him! This guy is, naturally, a bit ticked off by this…he says “Hey, what’s your problem? I’m drenched here!” The first man apologises profusely. “I’m sorry sir, I have no idea what happened. That’s never happened before…” “Well,” says the drenched man “You should go see a doctor, there’s obviously something wrong with you!” The first man agrees, and the next day he goes to the doctor. He explains the problem, and the doctor tells him to drop his pants so he can have a look. After peering at the guy’s p.enis for a long time, the doctor says ‘Hmmm…that’s odd…’ The man is starting to feel worried by now, and he asks “What is it doctor? What’s wrong?” “It appears your p.enis is full of holes.” The doctor tells him, and he scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to the man. “I’ve never seen this condition before, but here’s the number of someone who might be able to help you.” The man takes the number. “Oh, is this guy a specialist then?” he enquires. “No,” replies the doctor. “He’s a flute player. He’ll teach you how to hold it.”
|
|
marbar7890
Full Member
I rather be at a Last Conservative concert
Posts: 228
|
Post by marbar7890 on Apr 18, 2006 17:25:30 GMT -5
hahahahaha nice one lea.
hmmm...one of my favorite jokes recently has to be...
A family was walking through the garden one afternoon when their oldest daughter, whose name happened to be Rose, asked her parents 'Mommy, Daddy, how did I get my name?' so the mom replies 'well, after you were born, we took you for a walk in the garden and a rose pedal fell on your head, so we decided to name you Rose' Hearing this, the youngest daughter, whose name is Lily asks the same question. the dad replies 'after you were born, we took you for a walk in the garden and some lillies fell onto your head.' Now the 3rd child started getting curious... 'dksfhsdifhsd!' she said. the mom's reply? 'oh SHUT UP cinderblock'
X-D
|
|
lea
Full Member
Learning to Stand
Posts: 122
|
Post by lea on Apr 20, 2006 22:17:21 GMT -5
There are two muffins in an oven. The first one turns to the second one and says "Hot in here, isn't it?" The second one says "Holy cr@p, a talking muffin!"
There's a teenage girl babysitting two young children, in a big, creepy old house on the edge of town. The phone rings, and a voice says "I am the viper. I am coming." The girl gets scared.. A short while later, there's a knock at the door. "I am the viper, I have come for you." The girl peers through the eye-hole in the door, and the guy holds up a bucket. "I am the viper. I've come to vipe your vindows."
Har har har.
|
|
carlyn
Junior Member
Posts: 81
|
Post by carlyn on Apr 22, 2006 19:13:50 GMT -5
There are two muffins in an oven. The first one turns to the second one and says "Hot in here, isn't it?" The second one says "Holy cr@p, a talking muffin!" LOL! That is hilarious! I love jokes like that...
|
|
lea
Full Member
Learning to Stand
Posts: 122
|
Post by lea on May 1, 2006 21:29:51 GMT -5
I think TJ will like this one. Because he likes naughty jokes. Or jokes about dead musicians.
I swear half of TJ's jokes begin with "There's this musician, right? And he dies..." Nothin' like being positive! X-D
Anyway...there are two buddies in a car driving down a street. They see two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn, obviously in the doggy-style position (duh) Anyway, the one guy turns to his friend and says 'Man, that really is the best way to have sex.' The friend says 'Well, my wife's kinda conservative, she wouldn't go in for anything like that'. 'Oh', says the first guy, 'just fix her a couple of martinis and she'll loosen up'.
The next day the guys bump into each other again. 'Hey, I tried fixing my wife a martini last night.' says the one guy. 'And did it work?' asks his pal. 'Well' says the first guy, 'in the end it took seven martinis to get her to agree to it.' 'SEVEN?' says his friend. 'Wow, she's way more conservative than I realised!' 'Well',replies his friend, 'after two drinks she was pretty horny...but it took the other five to get her out on that guy's lawn'
|
|
lea
Full Member
Learning to Stand
Posts: 122
|
Post by lea on May 20, 2006 9:51:12 GMT -5
A class of Catholic schoolgirls is on a daytrip when the bus runs over a cliff...the schoolgirls all go up to heaven and are waiting at the Pearl Gates when St Peter comes out. He announces that there is a question he must ask each girl before she's allowed to enter heaven. The first girl approaches him.
"Now Tabitha," says St Peter. "Have you ever had any experience with a man, sexually?" "Well" says Tabitha. "I once saw a man naked." St Peter takes a goblet and splashes her eyes. "This is holy water. You have been cleansed of your sin. You may enter heaven."
The next girl comes along. "Now Isabel," says St Peter. "Have you ever had any experience with a man, sexually?" "Well" says Isabel. "I once touched a man's pen.is." St Peter takes the goblet and places her hand inside it. "This is holy water. You have been cleansed of your sin. You may enter heaven."
Suddenly a fight breaks out near the back of the line. St Peter walks over. "Girls, what is going on? Marie, did you start this fight?" "Yes I did" says Marie. "I wanted to make sure I got to drink the holy water before Ruth sticks her a$s in it."
|
|
lea
Full Member
Learning to Stand
Posts: 122
|
Post by lea on Aug 11, 2006 20:01:38 GMT -5
How could I leave this one out...?!
There was a very lonely guy surfing the internet one night...you know the type, microwave meals for one, hasn't had a date in 7 years...anyway, he comes across a site selling sex toys, and he spots they've got a special offer on blow-up dolls. He gets out his credit card and orders one, and waits eagerly for the package to arrive.
A fea days later, a delivery man is doing the rounds in his van when he spots an oddly-shaped package at the back of the van. 'I wonder what that is' he says to himself. Opening it, he finds inflatable Annie...and since he's bored, he figures he'll try it out and the customer will never know. The deed done, he drops off the package at the lonely guy's house with a wink and goes along home.
The next week, there's a knock on lonely guy's door. 'Hello there...I'm with quality control at the doll factory and I just wanted to check your Inflatable Annie was up to scratch. Did you find the doll realistic, sir?'
"Realistic!!" exclaims the man. "Oh yes! The first time I used it, I got the clap!"
|
|
lea
Full Member
Learning to Stand
Posts: 122
|
Post by lea on Aug 17, 2006 12:52:47 GMT -5
Ok, this works better phonetically, but whatever...
Did I ever tell you this one, Teej?
There's an old man sitting out on his porch one night when a young boy walks past with a roll of duct tape. 'Hey boy' says the old man. 'What are you doing with that duct tape?' 'going to catch some ducks' says the little boy. 'Pah!' sneers the old man. 'Are you a fool, child? Everyone knows you can't catch ducks with duct tape.' 'wait and see.' replies the little boy.
An hour later he comes back with a heavy bag. 'Whatcha got there?' asks the old man. 'Ducks' says the boy, and opens the bag to reveal a wholeeee lotta ducks. The old man is lost for words.
The next day the young boy walks past again.
'Whatcha got this time?' says the old man. 'Pu$sy willow' says the boy.
'Wait here while I get my coat, I'm coming with you.'
|
|